It seems like making fun of 80’s pop groups is the bee’s knees these days. If it’s not Wham! on our show, it’s Hall & Oates pretty much everywhere else. But not at the American Mustache Institute. No sir, it’s all business down there…business that looks like it drives a van and operates a Ham radio. The fact that there is literally a ‘Stache Bash makes me a little uneasy, but a little excited at the same time. So many molester look-a-likes in one place? My goodness. But click here and find out about voting for a Mustache you can really get behind, like a lip.

…just, you know….watch your back.

I saw this link this morning, and figured I HAD to post it. Only problem is….I don’t know at least half of these. It’s the top 100 Viral videos on the 2000s. But it’s from a more hip-hop oriented website, so not only have I never seen a lot of these, I’ve never heard of these people either. And it is definitely written like I’m supposed to. What a cultural internet divide there is…I had never even thought of the fact that there’s a hip-hop version of everything I’m writing right now, right? Bizarro, y0.

So there’s your Wednesday edition. Click around the rest of the site as tonight is a big event, and we still have WWE tickets in the 2nd and 1st rows coming up. I’m going home to sit in front of ODST for several hours in a row. Enjoy.

-E

Poor residents of Gloucester. They are still dealing with the downwind effect of a big dead whale in a yard. People keep going on and on about ways to move the whale, which if left to decompose in the sun it would probably take about 30 years. So unless you plan on paying off a mortage on living inside a giant whale, it should probably be removed. But everyone’s theory sucks. We all know what needs to be done. This thing must be disposed of in the most violent and visually awesome way imaginable! BLOW UP THE WHALE! In the ever wise words of Nelson Muntz, “Gotta nuke somethin’” and it’s never been more true or more about whales than now! Come on awesome military presence in this town, get some quality target practice in! You never know when the enemy will start using whales as a disguise, you don’t want to be caught off guard when that day comes, do you???

Taping yourself, despite being an awesome way to shave, looks like it hurts. And you can click this website here and see people with hurty faces. Or go here and look at people sleeping on planes. The second one gets a little dull after about 3 clicks. But the face tapes are surprisingly consistent. Enjoy that one today.

And write to your congresspeople and get them to blow up the whale! Somebody’s gotta do it!

-E

There’s just 2 quick things here today, as this weekend was full of good football games, some absolute embarrassments, and a lot of people getting hurt. But this…

…the chosen one, the second coming, got delt a TKO this weekend. As Tim Tebow was completely annihilated by his own teammate’s kneecap. One headline I saw said he got his brain circumcised. I don’t know if that’s accurate nor is it appropriate in any way…but if you watch in slow motion a couple times you also feel a little concussed. Ouch…and welcome to Washington next year.

And going along with the Chosen one theme, here’s Creed how they really sound. It’s one of those soundboard recordings  (LANGUAGE NSFW) that expose bands for actually not being good. And if you believe that, run away from your computer right now. I don’t care where, just keep running. You may make the news.

-E

And that’s our introduction to the lovely world of Scottish insults. I found a list of a few, but we know that the Scot’s use of language is unrivaled. Their insults really SOUND insulting. Like I have no clue what “She’s done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew ” means, but I’m sure it’s not good. Click here and brush up on your rude sounding mean talk!

Last week, Wolf Blitzer got straight Pwnen8ted on Celebrity Jeopardy. Further proving that the world needs a lot more Andy Richter, but more importantly that even if your first name is something as awesome as WOLF, you don’t get a free pass on being a moron. It’s the real life SNL Sean Connery. No word if Trebek’s mother was insulted, but you know it happened. I suppose his show on CNN would be hosted better by Parakeet Trapper.

For a story about Hugo Chavez, I have to post that picture instead. I’d be a no good red-bellied commie son of a bitch if I didn’t. Watch the dicktator of Venezuela belittle a Fox News reporter. Which isn’t really that hard no matter what side you’re on. Come on, you know they’re the most ridiculous people on the planet. And in comes the hate mail, but guess what….don’t care.

Two more things then we’re done for the weekend. YAY!

For the Google-impaired, here’s the outgoing Australian school answering machine message that for some reason pissed parents off. Reasonable people wouldn’t be angry about this. I’m just saying…

It’s the secret robot baby! The fine folks over at Collegehumor.com updated the futuristic Jetsons theme song for a more accurate representation of the future. Because I’m pretty sure when the Jetsons first came on the air, the year 2009 was probably the target year for the Sprockets Factory and the flying cars and the robot maids. But alas, here we are with not even a floating skateboard, much less a car. So the future future looks a little bleaker for old George Jetson. It’s too bad too, I hear he makes a mean sprocket. Or whatever it is he did there.

-E

This is the official flag of the Benin Empire. I don’t know if it is real, and quite honestly I don’t care. The Virginia flag has a bare boob on it, this Empire has a beheading. Who wins?

This is a great idea, and I’m mad as hell we didn’t think of it first. Since you probably really know everyone on your Facebook and/or Myspace and/or Twitter (if you’re a schmuck and use that) then you have to censor yourself just a bit. Well now you can click here to get all of your anger out and post anonymously, as the internet intended. Or you could go to this next link, should you be someone who’s into this sort of thing. If you know anyone who smokes some illegal stuff, then you know that they think EVERY idea they have under that influence is the greatest and most mind-blowingest thing that ever was thought. But then they forget. Well now they can go to this website, hIGHdeas, and document them. Some of these would be quite useful if you can see through the cloud.

Something something DOG BONERS something something.

In the news today there was a story about a website that will calculate all of your direct and indirect sexual partners. One of those “every person who ever slept with every person you ever slept with” kind of deals. “Sex degrees of separation” I believe is the clever name it’s going by. The average in the UK was 2.5 million people. I got less than half a million…HAW HAW at myself? No, I’m good, thanks.

 A special thanks to our NATO hosts from yesterday afternoon. It’s always good to know that there’s always a bar open SOMEWHERE around here. I’m just sayin…

-E

Yesterday we noticed that instead of the traditional rim shot after a good/bad joke the Late Show with David Letterman does a lot of bass guitar sliding and noodling after jokes. So Shelley brought her rig up to emulate the Late Show bassist this morning. And it was every bit as good as we had hoped. Enjoy a bad joke, and then the punchline indicator as performed by Shelley.

This was everywhere yesterday, but if you missed, then we’re your clearinghouse for expired links. Apparently some police officers were raiding a house for drugs. They found a Wii, and were taped playing instead of looking and sniffing. Don’t think the drug dogs weren’t in on the games too. Oh no my friends. They have an advantage since they can play with two controllers at once. Cheaters.

OBAMA WHY?? That’s the question we’re all asking. Or at least some famous people who put out videos on the internet mocking you for not following the public option on this health care debate. As an uninsured individual, I still don’t have an opinion. Why? Because I may not have insurance, but I don’t just expect it for free. And I’m sure that’s not what the debate is about at all, and PLEASE don’t try to inform me. I prefer to live in a Matrix-like world and you’re all just in adjacent pods to me. I’ll be fine.

-E

That seems like common sense, but sometimes you forget. I’ve often thought about what a nightmare it would be if I woke up tomorrow and all the internet was gone. And I mean every trace that it ever existed was gone, I was the only one with any memory of it. It seems like a really bad movie that a studio is going to pick up any day, so remember where you heard about that first. It’s in writing on September 22, 2009. And speaking of the date, I would be remiss in my duties as a big brother if I didn’t give a type out (It’s like a shout out, just a lot quieter) to my brother Austin who turns 14 today. Austin was born at home and totally ruined my bean bag chair in the process. I guess it’s worth it though.

I’m12 hours late to the party on this one, because in internet terms if you don’t post something within an hour of it “going around” you’re officially lame and “OLD” in internet terms. It’s a fickle business this “blogging.” But you really can’t be on top of the ball at all times. When would you have time to drink beer and play Call of Duty or the new HALO 3 that drops today? Those things are way more important to me than being FIRST. What was my point? Oh right, a woman outed herself as a 56 Year Old virgin at a city council meeting on the wrong day. The disturbing mental image council meeting was last night. Because the word “Technically” thrown about in terms of virginity refers to the vaginal opening, if I may be so crude. Which means that on this old lady, there’s some other openings that seem to have been breached. I’m gonna hide under the covers now.

Football is one of the few things in this world besides the song “Desperado” and chopping onions that will make grown men weep openly. And ESPN knows this, and focused on some long-faced Clemson fans last Thursday night in their loss to Georgia Tech. This guy throws a bit of a fit, not too bad, but they were fixated on this guy for 2 solid minutes. Which is an eternity when you’re throwing a tantrum and unaware that you’re being filmed. Being a Redskins fan, I know this all too well. 1st & Goal? You guys like Field Goals right?

Pictured above is Christopher Walken as I choose to remember him. The Hessian from Sleepy Hollow. His “HYAH!” yell is unmatched in cinema. Challenge me on that. But if arbitrarily yelling on horseback isn’t your thing then perhaps you’d rather watch the guy who makes everyone attempt to impersonate him no matter what cook a chicken. Because he narrates it, otherwise this is beyond dull. And stop saying “I got a fevah!” We know. We all do.

And I wrap up this installment of the Rum-blog as written from my bed, so it’s funnier that way, with violence. TV prank shows don’t end this way nearly enough. Say you own a Mercedes and you see a guy painting on it when you go to get in it. You may not react the way that this guy does, but just know that yes it is a viable option for you. Enjoy a guy getting pounded in the face.

-E

This is going to be lame update. I apologize in advance. But I’ve been scouring the internet all weekend, and this picture is literally all that I found that I felt was worth sharing. We didn’t mention any links or videos or anything on the show this morning. You can find all your sports updates for your own fantasy teams or any of the other sports sites are just overflowing with information. So you got that covered on your own. All the other links I looked at just left me a little, well…”meh” was the word. So I give you this…the newest internet creation to scare the ever-loving crap out of you. All hail the Bearsharktopus. They’ll be on the shores of Virginia before you know it. And you will be ill-prepared.

-E

Today Rumble shared a link with us for the awkward among us. Awkward shaped and lenghthed among us, I should say. Dude…it’s so simple. All you have to do is cut out the picture below, and wrap it around your junk. And viola! You have yourself your very own measurement for custom made condoms. Of course it’s way more fun to take the smallest measurements and sign your friends up. Not that we would encourage nor condone you committing internet fraud to make your friend feel inadequate. No sir, that would be bad…nudge nudge wink wink.

Then came word of the Snuggie-Sutra. A way to use your dumb Snuggie blanket and still do it while wearing it and looking absolutely ridiculous. But in a passionate moment, why should something like that matter? And you’re right, it shouldn’t. But be sure to set your friends up by sliding some of the pre-ordered condoms that are WAAAAAY too big that you fake ordered for him and make him look bad into his stash. And that, my friends, is a perfect example of a poorly written sentence. So there you go, you’ve got a full weekend ahead of you…we’ll be back on Monday to hear all about your condom/snuggie misadventures.

-E

Phil Palisoul is very funny, and you should all go enjoy his show, mmk?

But now, on the title of the blog. In an episode of Metalocalypse, the greatest show on earth, they are faced with the task of naming a hurricane. And the name they come up with is "Scrambles the Deathdealer" and that hurricane royally f's Florida up. Well...I took it upon myself yesterday afternoon to petition the World Meteorological Organization. That is the organization responsible for naming hurricanes, and the next time they add an "S" name to their rotation, I want it to be "Scrambles the Deathdealer." This is a personal thing I'm doing, but if it gets 100,000 signatures I'll feel good that we are in fact going to make EVERYTHING METAL! Vote for Scrambles the Deathdealer!!

Thanks to Shelley, we found a new site that will make Prank Calling super easy. Sure that takes some of the fun and personality of it away, but not everyone is good at pranking people. My friends are pros, but you can't all be as awesome at everything as we can. So here's your chance to finally be funny and cool. Prankdial.com. You can thank us later by trying to prank the masters at 366-9999.

You'll notice today's blog was brought to you KANYE FREE! Oh wait...that just ruined it didn't it...well then i might as well post this.

-E