This is one of those videos we all avoided because it looked too stupid, as in we know what we’re in for by clicking it…but I just don’t feel like it. Well it got the best of everyone here at about the same time, which is kind of odd. But not really since we all spent the whole weekend holding hands. It’s how to properly massage your cat, and I’m positive that the lady shown here is perfectly sane. Nothing’s wrong at all. Just look into those eyes…those vacuous dead eyes…clearly this woman MUST have a soul of some kind, right?

It’s come to our attention here at FM99 Morning Show Annoyancing & Haberdashery Inc. Ltd. that you readers hate reading. Emails are sent asking where links are on this page, when 30 seconds of quick skimming will definitely help you find what you’re looking for…but I get it. So I’ll make this one quick. Think of the most respected news reporter in the area. Now think of him introducing a story, getting stung by a bee, and saying M-F a lot. There, spoiler alert! Was that supposed to come first? Damn, I’m not good at this “get to the bloody point” business.

-E

Ah, Philadelphia. Such a lovely place. And the animal rights protesters are completely wasting their time. Some of these fans are devoid of a heart, which makes the city such a lovely place for sports fans. This mural of Michael Vick strangling a dog wearing a Cowboys jersey just shows that yes, even on the side of a tire shop, we can show our love. Or whatever it is Philly fans call it. I think it’s called “We aren’t gonna chuck batteries at you…..yet.” At least that’s what it said in the Encyclopedia.

There’s a local video up in the runnning for an MTV moon man award, which must mean a lot considering the quantity of videos played on MTV *cue wanking motion* but it’s still a big deal because it’s local. If you have a Yahoo! account you can vote and help some local talent escape the vaccuum that hovers over this town. And I say that with love, but click here and vote. Help some local talent.

I’m not a huge fan of Twitter, in fact I’m so over the internet I’ve moved on to the next big thing. Steam power. It’s gonna be huge, people. I’m telling you. Soon we’ll be able to travel on some sort of railed system of cars linked together, and it can also be used to transport goods and services. It may take a decade or so before the technology catches up with our dreams, but I assure you it will happen. Seriously…but if you’re trapped in 2009 somehow, you can check out famous people Twittering. Like Stevie Wonder. You’re welcome.

I can’t believe this website didn’t come along earlier. Or maybe I’m just way behind the curve on this. But PeopleofWalmart.com seems like the best place to go if you want to see Captain America buying Madden07, a goat with a bra on it’s head, or just a lot of spandex and tattoos. It’s a wonderful little community really. I hope to retire there someday.

And while we’re on the subject, check out KeggersofYore.com. It’s all the parties you wish you’d forgotten from the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and beyond! I just think it’s a shame there aren’t any Victorian paintings of people getting plastered. Although I’m guessing that sort of thing was frowned upon since it would lead to carnal acts and lustful behavior and a lot of bad touching. So if you have any photographic evidence of such a party, be sure to send it to morningshow@fm99.com first. Then submit it to the website.

-E

I have a literal load of links today, so I’m sorting through them all trying to get some kind of order of importance. So firstly, we have this possible hoax, but more likely than not it’s completely and absolutely true. And I say that with absolute confidence based on 20 seconds of film through a security gate with absolutely no indication of the time when it was filmed. Michael Jackson….is ALIVE! The proof is here!! Believe it…or don’t!! (Read that in your heads with a lot of cool echo effects.)

So we got a brand spanking new camera that is almost too easy to use. And last night Senor Rumble was at the Chickenfoot show and got 8 glorious seconds of video with Sammy Hagar. Some of us *cough Rick cough* can’t get over the fact that Sammy is almost 62 and looks so good. I mean he looks Ric Flair good. And I’m willing to bet Sammy isn’t made of rubber either. But he’s really more of a miracle, because he lives in a resort town or on the road…so how does he do it? Alchemy? Witch doctors? Eugenics lab? I don’t think we’ll ever know to be perfectly honest.  So click here and watch, because we got points when you do.

I don’t know what to say about this one, and I really hate starting sentences like that. So you know it’s legit. It’s called ASpray. And it works for your stinkiness in all of your stinky areas like feet, armpits, feet, crotch, left boob, behind the ears, and in your own nose. Cuz statistically, something HAS to be in there smelling bad at some point in your life, right? There are suggestions to be made about maybe spraying it up your nose, but that’s a very bad idea because it’ll probably give you cancer. Anyway, watch the video because it’s damn funny. Especially the Contractor with the smelly butt. Yup…smelly.

I’ve seen links to this video before, and I can’t take credit for this line. But doing a capella versions of classic John Williams melodies (he did music for all the greatest movies ever) will either get you laid constantly….or never. It’s a tough call, so watch here and decide.

THEN, comedian Lynne Koplitz put a 5 dollar bill down her shirt. We have video proof because we have a new camera. And that means there’s going to be a LOT more of this stuff happening regularly. So she put the 5 down her shirt, and now we get to sell that 5 for more money than 5 dollars. We really make out big on this deal. See the whole video, because it’s fun. Correct? Yes. Thanks for sludging your way through all of this. I realize it’s a lot, but it’s all for the kids really. So says the very wise Trick Daddy anyway.

-E

Here’s a history lesson, kids. That’s what’s called a “record.” The last one I ever played was in 1986 and it had an accompanying book. Yes, I had a Sesame Street album, with bats that squeaked “Turn the page! Turn the page!” when it was time to do so. So trust me, I know all about spinning records. But that one just so happens to have been recorded by our very own Rick Roll Rumble back when people remembered what Mayberry was. Somebody uploaded it to the Youtube, so you can listen for yourself here.

And while you’re around on the Youtube, again, you can check out Rumble’s own channel. I was told he uploaded a lot of videos last night. I may have to click this link to verify, but I can’t be pressed to do that at this time. Far too busy organizing the Fitzwell Welcome Back Parade.

-E

That, my friends, is a very good Michael Jackson. Should your perception of “Good” and “Michael Jackson” be pretty much universally wrong in regards to everything. Then yes, I’d say this is an excellent rendition/version/bastardization of “Thriller.” Sorry, it’s all we got today, but I literally haven’t been able to stop sneezing for the last 6 hours (As of this writing at 10:47 AM) and it’s driving me absolutely bananas. But anyway, this is being posted should you never have seen it before.

Tomorrow, a familiar face returns to the radio show. I should say “voice” but that’s cliche and that’s not me. So we welcome Mr. Fitzwell again…

…and nothing could be more welcoming than a way-too-big James Taylor album cover.

-E

Finally, at long last, the wait is over. The “empty chair” in the studio has been filled. Rumble has been searching far and wide and even deep on occasion. But we have found the newest and definitely greatest addition to the FM99 morning show.

That’s him. Your new morning show co-host. See the historic video of their announcement here. But more importantly, this ostrich didn’t have a name as far as we know, all we know is that he’s quite a little pecker *rimshot*. Thanks for that one, Rick. Anyway, leave a potential name for the new show in the comments. I’m fond of Rumble and Dr. Walrus. Because he (or she, we don’t know much about it yet) is clearly not a walrus, which makes it very very funny. That last sentence only works if you read it out loud in a very convincing English accent, preferably whilst smoking a pipe.

-E

Dudes, this is going to be a serious endeavor. A photo essay of the madness that was the Friday show. Or we could call it just another day at the office.
The day begins with a rather unique way of giving our Front Row Crue Fest 2 Tickets…a fastest bra removal contest. We took contestants yesterday, and 2 (plus our alternate) didn’t show. That’s tragic, but we soldiered on..

Contestant #1 with Rumble.

Contestant #2 with Rumble

Contestant #3, wearing his bra, flashing the back of Chill’s head…

The rules were set, contestants in place..

…and you can’t see it here, but Crystal on the left was the first to unhook her bra (Under her shirt) and produce it (not seen, in her right hand just out of the shot)…and for her efforts she who front row tickets to Crue Fest 2…not bad.

Thanks for coming up guys, and congrats to Crystal. A reaction shot from the crowd of the festivities? Yes, we got one…

That’s comedian Bruce Bruce, and a supporter from the bra contest, clearly enjoying themselves. Well at least one is…so after all of that, some listeners needed grooming. Or at least so we were told..

These guys said they needed haircuts. WTF. Well since it’s “Male Grooming Day” or something like that, we had the ladies from Knockouts in the studio to render their services for some lucky listeners. These guys…who clearly don’t need it…

Meet Knockout #1

And Knockout #2 (The numbers were randomly assigned by a random number generator, so stop complaining.) The girls immediately got to work…

We haven’t heard from Chef Nigel from the Hilton Garden Inn yet…Nigel?

Ah, just enjoying the view we see. Not pictured is the huge pile of deliciousness he brought with him…you all should go eat there. Next!

Yeah, that makes sense. A lot of work required on this guy.

If you heard it this morning, you know this was right in Rick’s face. Move really close to your monitor and you get the full Rick Rumble morning show experience.

Knockouts, go there. Oh, and Shelley has a special message for all us since we all helped out so much with the clean up after the haircutting…

Don’t let her fool you, she loves that vaccuum cleaner.

-E

In an homage to this man…

Wepwesentative Bawney Fwank, shown above tewwing you just how big he wikes it, got his own top ten wist. Featuwing aww of his best, gweatest, and woudest mewtdowns. I could (That remains an “L” because it’s siwent) type wike this aww day, bewieve me. As a gwown man who is wespected in the powiticaw community it’s amazing that he’s gotten as faw as he has as a gwown man who can’t say his “r” or “l” sounds. Be suwe to go back and wead this whole pawagwaph out woud so you get the fuww comedic effect. This bwog is actuawwy a piece of awt.

I’m not going to subject some of ouw youngew weadews to this next pictuwe, but I’m going to post a wink to the stwangest and bizawwest wooking sex toy I’ve evew seen. It has something fow evewyone. If you’we into that sowt of fing. I just imagine Mr. Fwank says fing…editowiaw comment done. Bwog done. I just wike saying Bwog now. Gweat.

-E

Sorry to scare you. But you needed to see what you were missing by not going to an Aerosmith show this summer. Good ole Steven Tyler. One caption I saw said that “Mary Kate looks terrible.” Chill said he looks like Sophia Loren. There’s a lot to be said here really, but I’ll leave that up to you. Fill up the comments on this one. I’m counting on you.

This looks familiar, but with blogs being wiped clean every few months, that’s going to happen. I said it before, and this video still holds up. It is definitely in the top 3 News Videos I’ve ever seen. Nothing will top the Leprechaun, obviously, but this Bear sighting, as re-enacted by a reporter with a cutout, is pure gold. The third video in the news trilogy of course is of Shelley’s neighbors and their monster truck show from the folks at WAVY. I said before, and maintain still that those people deserve an award for that one.

Are your ladyparts smelly? Are they also very very tired? Do they resemble the Jowels of Droopy the cartoon dog? Are you worried about the new healthcare reform? Well, if you answered yes to two of the four above questions, then this product is just for you. It’s endorsed by Mandy Moore, so you know it’s (w)holesome and fun for everyone, including grandma.

Yup…I went there.

-E

Seriously, look at how twisted and fiendish that image is. Oh wait…that’s not it. That should fill you with rage though, because if you’re like me an Etch-A-Sketch was an excuse to spell “Boobies” in cursive and practice making squares. That was really all you could do with it. But noooooo, there have to be Etch-A-Sketch masters out there making loving tributes to deceased performers. Whatever, I can beat that guy at Mario Kart.

Here’s your warning. This does not end well. In an effort to get kids not to text, the Welsh have put together this little film that shows you the dangers of texting while driving. And if this doesn’t get you to stop forever, nothing will. Let’s just put it this way…I almost didn’t put this link up here. It’s been taken off Youtube several times, but remains in this article. It is not for the weak of stomach. And you know who you are. I have to admit that some of it is overkill, but they’ve got to try to make their point. And this thing works.

-E